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So, my friends, we have two Republican candidates who can officially count themselves out of the race.

Mitt “Mr Smooth” Romney for this story
(I’m sorry, but if you don’t have any better sense than to put your dog on the roof of your car for a 12-hour road trip, then you shouldn’t be allowed in government anywhere, let alone the White House, Clark Griswold)


Duncan “Who the Hell are You?” Hunter for this story
(if you actually, truly believe that Ann Freakin’ Coulter is a “great American,” your moral judgment and sense of right and wrong are so deeply flawed that you should just go back to kindergarten to learn the actual difference).


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